October 15, 2024
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Announcing when you are pregnant is such a personal decision, and there’s no right or wrong time to do it, although society may not always make it feel that way… what is right for you could be different to somebody else and that’s okay.
Here are some answers to commonly asked questions around when to announce your pregnancy to friends and family- to help you to figure out when you might be most comfortable to do so. Followed by my top tip, as an antenatal and hypnobirthing teacher, for when you do decide to share your news.
It used to be common for people to wait until 12-14 weeks or after their first scan, often referred to as the ’12 week scan’. The main reason for this is because of the risk of miscarriage. Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy during the first 23 weeks and most happen within the first trimester (the first 12 weeks). There’s a lot of uncertainty around how many miscarriages occur, but the charity Sands say that 15 in every 100 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.
There is one study which reports that once a pregnancy gets past 6/7 weeks, and has a heartbeat, the risk of a miscarriage drops to around 10 in one 100 pregnancies, but you may not know exactly how many weeks pregnant you are this early on in pregnancy. Your first scan offered by the NHS at 12-14 weeks is the dating scan, and it is at this appointment when you will be given your estimated due date, along with an estimate of how many weeks pregnant you are. It is possible to have what is considered an ‘early’ scan privately, often called ‘reassurance scans’, if this is something you are considering you can find some more information and advice on this here.
When I asked parents when they announced their pregnancies their responses were very different: One lady said, ‘I waited until I was around 14 weeks or so before telling any of my friends, despite knowing from early on as I was worried something would go wrong.’ whilst another shared ‘I personally didn’t want to wait until 12 weeks to tell my closest friends and some family as in my head I thought I want everyone I need and love to fall back on should anything go wrong!’ And equally wanted to celebrate the good news asap.’
When deciding when to share your news, it is reasonable to consider who you would want to tell should something happen. Every pregnancy loss is different, but even in those early stages, women and their partners have already gone through an emotional adjustment and may grieve for the future that they had imagined. Today miscarriage is being spoken about more, with more parents sharing their experiences. This and the support from close friends or family, encourages some parents to make their pregnancy announcements earlier.
‘I needed the support of people close to me due to sickness so chose to tell them asap’ and from another lady ‘I suffered with HG with both of my pregnancies and really felt that I had to suffer in silence because I hadn’t reached 12 weeks’.
Some the symptoms that come with early pregnancy, like fatigue and sickness, can feel isolating. The term morning sickness is outdated, as it can occur at any time of the day, it is now more often referred to as pregnancy sickness, but also because many women are experiencing these symptoms when they have not yet shared their news so are trying to hide them from others. I have had a few friends who I thought at the time had made pregnancy look ‘easy’, which made me question why I was finding those early weeks such a struggle, but it was when we were sharing experiences afterwards that I realised how much they had struggled too in those early weeks. I only knew they were pregnant later in their pregnancy, once these symptoms had eased and they were enjoying having more energy that can often come with the second trimester.
It is also worth mentioning that every pregnancy is different. Even for the same person, the symptoms and health concerns that can come with each pregnancy can be completely different.
Finding out you are pregnant is an emotional adjustment, as well as a physical one, so it is important that you have both the physical and emotional support that you need.
This will depend on the age of the child, and you being their parent are the best person to judge how much you think they can understand.
I told my older stepchildren earlier because I didn’t want them to guess and feel like we were hiding it from them, but we did wait until we had an early scan. When we did share the news with them, they said that they had guessed already but were understanding when we explained our reasons for why we had waited until after the scan. We also didn’t want them to feel that they had to keep it a secret in case they wanted to talk about it to their family members, such as their grandparents, so we also shared the news with those we wanted to tell ourselves at the same time just in case they found out too. I was relieved by this because it meant that I no longer had to hide the symptoms and napping at any time of the day became acceptable!
I told my younger son later (he was a toddler at the time) and explained more once I was starting to ‘show’. But everyone’s situation is different. There are lots of great books out there that you can read with younger children to help them to understand. This one was our favourite-
The NHS advise that you contact your GP or local maternity service as soon as you find out that you are pregnant, preferably before 8 weeks. In most parts of the UK, you can refer yourself to your local maternity services online through your local NHS trust website, who will then contact you to arrange your first appointment, often referred to as a ‘booking appointment’ with a midwife.
It is likely that you’ll need to know your NHS number to do this, which you can find online. The booking appointment is your first official antenatal appointment and usually takes place before you are 10 weeks pregnant. This is the beginning of the NHS process where your midwife will begin to provide medical advice.
Some women are the most nervous about sharing their news with their boss or employer.
Maybe you are worried about their reaction, or about how this may impact your career or job. However, remember you are not doing anything wrong by wanting a family- and the fact that you want a family should have no bearing on your career.
Legally you do not need to tell your workplace of your pregnancy news until you are 25 weeks pregnant (15 weeks before the week of your estimated due date), and if you want to take maternity leave or claim Statutory Maternity Pay you should tell them in writing, including the date you want to start your leave.
However here are some reasons why you might consider telling them before then-
There are so many ways to share the news, you can be creative, funny or keep it simple with a scan photo, however there is no guaranteed ‘safe’ time to share, so go with what feels comfortable for you.
When sharing your news keep the estimated due date to yourself. You may want to share that you are having a summer baby, or the baby is due in August, or the beginning of July, but don’t share the exact date. What’s the big deal? Let me explain.
How frustrated do you feel when you have ordered something, you are given a delivery date, you track your delivery, and it is late?… and that’s just a parcel.
Now imagine if this was the birth of your baby. You’ve been counting down to the day you get to meet them for 9 months but have probably been imagining it for even longer.
And are now probably starting to feel tired and starting to get more uncomfortable. You might even be starting to put a little bit of pressure on yourself, even though it’s not something you can control. And then you start to receive messages of ‘any twinges yet?’, ‘any signs?’, ‘any news?’…. not just on the due date, but two weeks before.
More often than not, these are coming from a place of excitement, your loved ones are excited to meet your new-born baby too, but unintentionally they are also putting more pressure on you. And if you do go over your estimated due date, which is likely, by one week, or two, that’s 4 weeks of people ‘checking in’ … which can not only be quite annoying, but more than that. It can have an impact on your body’s production of the birthing hormones that are needed to get everything started in the first place! (And you can read more on the science behind this here!).
So, if you are wondering when to share your news…. maybe your sister waited until 12 weeks, but you want to share your news with them earlier… it’s okay to want to do things differently. Everyone will have their own views and opinions, including the people we are closest to, and this is true throughout pregnancy and in birth itself.
This is something we look at on my antenatal and hypnobirthing course where we discuss all the options and choices available to you when birthing your baby. If you are informed, you can feel confident in choosing what feels comfortable for you and your family.
I’m Michelle, an antenatal and hypnobirthing teacher from Rayleigh, Essex, who has the privilege of supporting expectant parents at this previous and unique time with balanced, modern and up-to date antenatal classes, and feel passionately about you having a positive birth experience, no matter how or where you choose to birth your baby.
